But Kaaaarrrrrllllll!
by LyraCat
Summary: A conversation about Llamas with Hats inspired this crackfic. The King of Red Lions and Link are out at sea on a hot day and neither of them are in character. …What have I even written?


"But Kaaaarrrrrlllll," Link said, looking up and holding his hand above his face to block out the bright sun in the cloudless sky. The sail provided almost no shade thanks to it being the peak of the day.

"How many times do I have to tell you, my name is not Karl," the boat replied with a sigh. This had been going on for quite a while, ever since they met really. Even after traveling from island to island, he didn't become any less obnoxious. If anything, the kid had become more so.

"But Kaaarrrllllll… It's so hot out. Why can't I go for a swim?" the boy spoke, ignoring the previous statement from his companion. "These clothes are so hooooottttt."

"The last time you swam, you almost drowned. What sort of person who lives in a world covered with water doesn't know how to tread in it for thirty seconds?" the ship gritted his wooden teeth.

"Kaaaaarrrrllll, stop being mean. I never learned because I don't like to be wet. Being wet reminds me of baths and I don't like baths."

"Then why did you ASK?!" the ship said exasperated, voice becoming louder and sharper at the last word. He glared to the boy for a moment, staring at his unnaturally large eyes. This was getting ridiculous. He'd already had enough of dealing with this annoying kid. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. He sighed again. If only he weren't a boat, if only Tetra knew who she was, if only –

"Because I'm hot, Kaaarrrllll."

"For the last time, my name is not Karl! I am the King of Red Lions!" With those words he turned forward again, focusing on what lie ahead. It's not like he needed to though, with no islands in sight. At least he wouldn't have to look at the absurd face of the boy.

"That's too looooonnnngggg," Link said, flopping onto his back with his arms out to his sides. He barely fit in the tiny ship even with his small size. "Karl is much shorter."

"Where did you even come up with Karl? Karl isn't a name belonging to any Hylian or Rito or Korok or other race above or beneath the Great Sea! Are you _trying_ to insult me?" He was loosing his patience. At this rate it would be better to find another person that would defeat Ganon. Sure, this kid was the same age as the Hero of Time when he had saved the land all those years ago. Sure, he wore the green tunic symbolizing the savior. But he was undoubtedly FAR more annoying than the one from ages past could have ever possibly been.

"It's your initials Karl. Initials are cool. They're like an acronym. Don't you want to be called by something cool?"

"If it's my initials or an acronym or anything _else_ of the matter, it would be 'K-O-R-L' not 'K-A-R-L.' An 'a' is not the same as an 'o'." Conversations like this were ludicrous. It was times like these that he loathed how giant the ocean was. If only it weren't so large then the two of them wouldn't have to be stuck together like this for long periods of time. He hated how the kid refused to drop some dough on a better sail, or ride cyclones because he claimed they made him too dizzy.

"But Karl, they're both vowels. They're the same. Vowels have to stick together. They're a minority."

"Ugh. If you spoke ancient Hylian, this would be much easier! I wouldn't have to act as your translator, and you wouldn't have this stupid notion of the letter 'a' being the same as 'o' simply because they are vowels since THERE ARE NO VOWELS IN ANCIENT HYLIAN!"

"Please be quiet Karl. All this shouting is hurting my ears. I just asked if I could go for a swim. Why do you have to be so meeeeeeeeaaaannnnn?"

"You really want to go for a swim? Then fine. Swim. See if I care," he said, abruptly putting the sail away and drifting to a stop.

"Really Karl? You're really going to let me swim?" Link perked up at the words, dopey smile on his face.

"Yes. Swim. Now," he replied, not looking back to his irksome passenger.

"Thanks Karl!" Link shouted, jumping out of the ship with a splash. The boy in green swam about in the shimmering blue of the water as the bright red boat watched. After a short while Link spoke once more.

"I'm done Karl. Thank you for being nice."

The King of Red Lions smiled as Link swam back to his side. Before the boy had a chance to grab the hull of the ship, the boat drifted back out of his reach.

"What are you doing Karl? I need to get on."

"I'm going to let you keep swimming."

"But I don't know how! I'll drown! Karl, I don't want to drown!" Link splashed about, head bobbing up and down furiously. He reached out for the boat again, only for it to be out of reach.

"Yes. You will drown."

"But Karl, that kills people!" Link said panicking. He barely managed to keep the water free of his mouth.

"Exactly. It does kill people," the King of Red Lions replied, the smile on his wooden face becoming wider. Link treaded the water, trying his best to reach the boat that only continued to move away from the boy who struggled to swim to it.

"Why Karl, whyyyyy?" he said confused and afraid. A wave splashed into Link's mouth and the ship turned its back a moment later, once more deploying the sail, which quickly caught the wind, boat rapidly drifting further from the flailing Hylian. The wide-eyed boy took a deep breath once he managed to spit the water out, shouting at the top of his lungs to the quickly disappearing vessel before the sea swallowed him.

"BUT KAAAAARRR—"

* * *

 **A/N: I wrote this at two AM the other day. I regret nothing.  
So this came about because of a discussion with PhoenixCaptain regarding the King of Red Lions' name being quite long and how it abbreviated sounds like Karl. From there, the conversation transitioned into "Llamas with Hats" because King of Red Lions = KoRL = Karl = Carl.  
Logic. 'Tis flawless.**


End file.
